What Would you do?

[Hampter]

you and intelligent snail got immortality and 2 million dollars


However, If the intelligent snail touches you
you die.

So Good luck!

 

[Corrin]

Engi-beer bro, I just need that beer

 

[Philip]

Launch the snail into space using an erupting volcano so it may freeze and drift aimlessly forever

 

[Derpachu]

Beat my meat, I need post-nut clarity before I make my next move.

 

[Steve Harvey Oswald]

What you have described is basically life as we already know it. Death is always slowly creeping up on us. We don't know where it is, when it will find us. All we can do is try to run away from it. One way or another, that snail will probably get lucky enough to touch you. Snails are small and insignificant. If you stayed put for long enough the snail would touch you without you ever knowing what hit you. Knowing about the snail only gives you the same anxiety that exists knowing that we will all someday die, only this is worse because you can easily outrun it. Death is no longer an inevitability, it's in a physical form that can be seen and avoided. Either you forget the snail exists and let it kill you, potentially prematurely, or you remember the snail exists and live in constant anxiety looking for snails.

The only winning move is not to play.

 

[Tax Fraud]

You and intelligent snail go way back. All the way to the first grade. You two were best buddies and nothing could separate you. You would always let intelligent snail ride on your shoulder so he could move around and talk to you. In high school, you both ran for class president and won easily. You graduated top of your class and you were both headed to the top colleges. Intelligent snail graduated with a bachelors degree in intelligent snailing and you graduated with a masters in mass freekilling. One day, you get a call. Its intelligent snail. He said, *squish squish squish squish*. Which you reply with, "How is that possible?". To which intelligent snail replies, *squish squish squash squish*. You check under your bed and you see it. 2 million dollars in cash. You immediately run outside to find intelligent snail when all of a sudden, you appear in the spectral plane of existence. You find yourself ankle deep in black waters. You look around and find intelligent snail and a giant glowing figure. The figure says, "Greetings mortals, I have been observing you two since the first grade and I am very impressed with your relationship. As a reward, I have bestowed a gift upon you. 2 million dollars in cash and immortality. However, my gifts do not come without drawbacks. If you two are to touch ever again, you are to perish". You and snail look at each other with a somber gaze. Never... touch again? Immediately, you get flashbacks to the first grade of you two running around the playground beating up the school bully, Dougralazich. You come back to your senses and find yourself on the front steps of your home. You are quite dazed and stumbled out onto the street. As your vision clears, you see oncoming headlights. Darkness. You awaken, still on the street. You look around and see the wreckage of a car, the driver slumped over. You inspect yourself and find no harm done. It's true, you realize, you're immortal. You fly out to see snail and knock on his front door. He opens and jumps back in fear. *squish squash squash squish squish* he says. "Yes, I remember what she said about us touching" you reply, "I just want to talk". *squish squish squish squish squish squish* he says and slams the door on you. You live the next thousands of years alone. What's the point of living, if it simply won't end? What's the point of experiences if you are going to forget them eventually? You realize that a life without death is no life at all. You must end the suffering. You must find snail. You go back to Jil, your country established in 2170 that you've been ruling for over a thousand years now. You order the capture and containment of snail and want to have him brought back to you. Weeks later, your squadron comes back with a box. You open it and find snail. All of a sudden, the box explodes. *squash squash squash squish squish* snail says. "Of course I was expecting for you to become a cyborg" you taunt back. *squish squish squish squish squish squish squish squish squish* he says. "Then I guess I better go into my final form as well" you shout. 87 episodes of screaming later and your battle finally continues. Your country is in ruins. Flattened by snails nuclear bombardments. You both know you can't kill each other. You don't know why you're doing this. *squash squash squish squash squish* snail whispers. "You're telling me you want this eternal torture? You can bear never having someone to love and die peacefully with?" you yell. *squash squish squash squish squash*. He prepares for his final attack, but you're ready. You throw some McDonald's french fries at him. The salt on them causes him to be stunned for a second. Far longer than you needed. You lunge at him. Times moving in slow motion now. You can hear him speak something out loud. "ZA WARU-". All of a sudden, he appears behind you. You fall over not expecting him to disappear. "So, you figured out how to summon your STAND huh?" you taunt. You can see it manifesting behind him now, The World. Its sheer might causes the air around it to warp to its will. "I've been practicing as well!". Snail looks surprised. "Keh, you think you're the only one with a stand here?". With a mighty yell, you summon Star Platinum. You stop time simultaneously. Fighting within your own bubble of time. "Ironic" you say aloud. "Two people with all the time in the world, given the ability to stop it". Time resumes and you both recollect yourselves. Your stands rush each other once more. "ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA". "MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA". Snail tries to end this with a kick. You go right for his shin. Your stand's hand begins to crack and snail cracks a smile. Then his shin cracks and breaks apart. You've won. You walk over his body, still alive, but unconscious. "I'm sorry, old friend" you say before touching again for the first time in centuries. Darkness. Darkness. Darkness? (click it nerd this took me way too long for this joke).

 

[hali]

You and intelligent snail go way back. All the way to the first grade. You two were best buddies and nothing could separate you. You would always let intelligent snail ride on your shoulder so he could move around and talk to you. In high school, you both ran for class president and won easily. You graduated top of your class and you were both headed to the top colleges. Intelligent snail graduated with a bachelors degree in intelligent snailing and you graduated with a masters in mass freekilling. One day, you get a call. Its intelligent snail. He said, *squish squish squish squish*. Which you reply with, "How is that possible?". To which intelligent snail replies, *squish squish squash squish*. You check under your bed and you see it. 2 million dollars in cash. You immediately run outside to find intelligent snail when all of a sudden, you appear in the spectral plane of existence. You find yourself ankle deep in black waters. You look around and find intelligent snail and a giant glowing figure. The figure says, "Greetings mortals, I have been observing you two since the first grade and I am very impressed with your relationship. As a reward, I have bestowed a gift upon you. 2 million dollars in cash and immortality. However, my gifts do not come without drawbacks. If you two are to touch ever again, you are to perish". You and snail look at each other with a somber gaze. Never... touch again? Immediately, you get flashbacks to the first grade of you two running around the playground beating up the school bully, Dougralazich. You come back to your senses and find yourself on the front steps of your home. You are quite dazed and stumbled out onto the street. As your vision clears, you see oncoming headlights. Darkness. You awaken, still on the street. You look around and see the wreckage of a car, the driver slumped over. You inspect yourself and find no harm done. It's true, you realize, you're immortal. You fly out to see snail and knock on his front door. He opens and jumps back in fear. *squish squash squash squish squish* he says. "Yes, I remember what she said about us touching" you reply, "I just want to talk". *squish squish squish squish squish squish* he says and slams the door on you. You live the next thousands of years alone. What's the point of living, if it simply won't end? What's the point of experiences if you are going to forget them eventually? You realize that a life without death is no life at all. You must end the suffering. You must find snail. You go back to Jil, your country established in 2170 that you've been ruling for over a thousand years now. You order the capture and containment of snail and want to have him brought back to you. Weeks later, your squadron comes back with a box. You open it and find snail. All of a sudden, the box explodes. *squash squash squash squish squish* snail says. "Of course I was expecting for you to become a cyborg" you taunt back. *squish squish squish squish squish squish squish squish squish* he says. "Then I guess I better go into my final form as well" you shout. 87 episodes of screaming later and your battle finally continues. Your country is in ruins. Flattened by snails nuclear bombardments. You both know you can't kill each other. You don't know why you're doing this. *squash squash squish squash squish* snail whispers. "You're telling me you want this eternal torture? You can bear never having someone to love and die peacefully with?" you yell. *squash squish squash squish squash*. He prepares for his final attack, but you're ready. You throw some McDonald's french fries at him. The salt on them causes him to be stunned for a second. Far longer than you needed. You lunge at him. Times moving in slow motion now. You can hear him speak something out loud. "ZA WARU-". All of a sudden, he appears behind you. You fall over not expecting him to disappear. "So, you figured out how to summon your STAND huh?" you taunt. You can see it manifesting behind him now, The World. Its sheer might causes the air around it to warp to its will. "I've been practicing as well!". Snail looks surprised. "Keh, you think you're the only one with a stand here?". With a mighty yell, you summon Star Platinum. You stop time simultaneously. Fighting within your own bubble of time. "Ironic" you say aloud. "Two people with all the time in the world, given the ability to stop it". Time resumes and you both recollect yourselves. Your stands rush each other once more. "ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA". "MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA". Snail tries to end this with a kick. You go right for his shin. Your stand's hand begins to crack and snail cracks a smile. Then his shin cracks and breaks apart. You've won. You walk over his body, still alive, but unconscious. "I'm sorry, old friend" you say before touching again for the first time in centuries. Darkness. Darkness. Darkness? (click it nerd this took me way too long for this joke).

k

 

[Corrin]

My eyes hurt seeing this:
You and intelligent snail go way back. All the way to the first grade. You two were best buddies and nothing could separate you. You would always let intelligent snail ride on your shoulder so he could move around and talk to you. In high school, you both ran for class president and won easily. You graduated top of your class and you were both headed to the top colleges. Intelligent snail graduated with a bachelors degree in intelligent snailing and you graduated with a masters in mass freekilling. One day, you get a call. Its intelligent snail. He said, *squish squish squish squish*. Which you reply with, "How is that possible?". To which intelligent snail replies, *squish squish squash squish*. You check under your bed and you see it. 2 million dollars in cash. You immediately run outside to find intelligent snail when all of a sudden, you appear in the spectral plane of existence. You find yourself ankle deep in black waters. You look around and find intelligent snail and a giant glowing figure. The figure says, "Greetings mortals, I have been observing you two since the first grade and I am very impressed with your relationship. As a reward, I have bestowed a gift upon you. 2 million dollars in cash and immortality. However, my gifts do not come without drawbacks. If you two are to touch ever again, you are to perish". You and snail look at each other with a somber gaze. Never... touch again? Immediately, you get flashbacks to the first grade of you two running around the playground beating up the school bully, Dougralazich. You come back to your senses and find yourself on the front steps of your home. You are quite dazed and stumbled out onto the street. As your vision clears, you see oncoming headlights. Darkness. You awaken, still on the street. You look around and see the wreckage of a car, the driver slumped over. You inspect yourself and find no harm done. It's true, you realize, you're immortal. You fly out to see snail and knock on his front door. He opens and jumps back in fear. *squish squash squash squish squish* he says. "Yes, I remember what she said about us touching" you reply, "I just want to talk". *squish squish squish squish squish squish* he says and slams the door on you. You live the next thousands of years alone. What's the point of living, if it simply won't end? What's the point of experiences if you are going to forget them eventually? You realize that a life without death is no life at all. You must end the suffering. You must find snail. You go back to Jil, your country established in 2170 that you've been ruling for over a thousand years now. You order the capture and containment of snail and want to have him brought back to you. Weeks later, your squadron comes back with a box. You open it and find snail. All of a sudden, the box explodes. *squash squash squash squish squish* snail says. "Of course I was expecting for you to become a cyborg" you taunt back. *squish squish squish squish squish squish squish squish squish* he says. "Then I guess I better go into my final form as well" you shout. 87 episodes of screaming later and your battle finally continues. Your country is in ruins. Flattened by snails nuclear bombardments. You both know you can't kill each other. You don't know why you're doing this. *squash squash squish squash squish* snail whispers. "You're telling me you want this eternal torture? You can bear never having someone to love and die peacefully with?" you yell. *squash squish squash squish squash*. He prepares for his final attack, but you're ready. You throw some McDonald's french fries at him. The salt on them causes him to be stunned for a second. Far longer than you needed. You lunge at him. Times moving in slow motion now. You can hear him speak something out loud. "ZA WARU-". All of a sudden, he appears behind you. You fall over not expecting him to disappear. "So, you figured out how to summon your STAND huh?" you taunt. You can see it manifesting behind him now, The World. Its sheer might causes the air around it to warp to its will. "I've been practicing as well!". Snail looks surprised. "Keh, you think you're the only one with a stand here?". With a mighty yell, you summon Star Platinum. You stop time simultaneously. Fighting within your own bubble of time. "Ironic" you say aloud. "Two people with all the time in the world, given the ability to stop it". Time resumes and you both recollect yourselves. Your stands rush each other once more. "ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA". "MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA". Snail tries to end this with a kick. You go right for his shin. Your stand's hand begins to crack and snail cracks a smile. Then his shin cracks and breaks apart. You've won. You walk over his body, still alive, but unconscious. "I'm sorry, old friend" you say before touching again for the first time in centuries. Darkness. Darkness. Darkness?

 

[Tax Fraud]

My eyes hurt seeing this:
You and intelligent snail go way back. All the way to the first grade. You two were best buddies and nothing could separate you. You would always let intelligent snail ride on your shoulder so he could move around and talk to you. In high school, you both ran for class president and won easily. You graduated top of your class and you were both headed to the top colleges. Intelligent snail graduated with a bachelors degree in intelligent snailing and you graduated with a masters in mass freekilling. One day, you get a call. Its intelligent snail. He said, *squish squish squish squish*. Which you reply with, "How is that possible?". To which intelligent snail replies, *squish squish squash squish*. You check under your bed and you see it. 2 million dollars in cash. You immediately run outside to find intelligent snail when all of a sudden, you appear in the spectral plane of existence. You find yourself ankle deep in black waters. You look around and find intelligent snail and a giant glowing figure. The figure says, "Greetings mortals, I have been observing you two since the first grade and I am very impressed with your relationship. As a reward, I have bestowed a gift upon you. 2 million dollars in cash and immortality. However, my gifts do not come without drawbacks. If you two are to touch ever again, you are to perish". You and snail look at each other with a somber gaze. Never... touch again? Immediately, you get flashbacks to the first grade of you two running around the playground beating up the school bully, Dougralazich. You come back to your senses and find yourself on the front steps of your home. You are quite dazed and stumbled out onto the street. As your vision clears, you see oncoming headlights. Darkness. You awaken, still on the street. You look around and see the wreckage of a car, the driver slumped over. You inspect yourself and find no harm done. It's true, you realize, you're immortal. You fly out to see snail and knock on his front door. He opens and jumps back in fear. *squish squash squash squish squish* he says. "Yes, I remember what she said about us touching" you reply, "I just want to talk". *squish squish squish squish squish squish* he says and slams the door on you. You live the next thousands of years alone. What's the point of living, if it simply won't end? What's the point of experiences if you are going to forget them eventually? You realize that a life without death is no life at all. You must end the suffering. You must find snail. You go back to Jil, your country established in 2170 that you've been ruling for over a thousand years now. You order the capture and containment of snail and want to have him brought back to you. Weeks later, your squadron comes back with a box. You open it and find snail. All of a sudden, the box explodes. *squash squash squash squish squish* snail says. "Of course I was expecting for you to become a cyborg" you taunt back. *squish squish squish squish squish squish squish squish squish* he says. "Then I guess I better go into my final form as well" you shout. 87 episodes of screaming later and your battle finally continues. Your country is in ruins. Flattened by snails nuclear bombardments. You both know you can't kill each other. You don't know why you're doing this. *squash squash squish squash squish* snail whispers. "You're telling me you want this eternal torture? You can bear never having someone to love and die peacefully with?" you yell. *squash squish squash squish squash*. He prepares for his final attack, but you're ready. You throw some McDonald's french fries at him. The salt on them causes him to be stunned for a second. Far longer than you needed. You lunge at him. Times moving in slow motion now. You can hear him speak something out loud. "ZA WARU-". All of a sudden, he appears behind you. You fall over not expecting him to disappear. "So, you figured out how to summon your STAND huh?" you taunt. You can see it manifesting behind him now, The World. Its sheer might causes the air around it to warp to its will. "I've been practicing as well!". Snail looks surprised. "Keh, you think you're the only one with a stand here?". With a mighty yell, you summon Star Platinum. You stop time simultaneously. Fighting within your own bubble of time. "Ironic" you say aloud. "Two people with all the time in the world, given the ability to stop it". Time resumes and you both recollect yourselves. Your stands rush each other once more. "ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA". "MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA". Snail tries to end this with a kick. You go right for his shin. Your stand's hand begins to crack and snail cracks a smile. Then his shin cracks and breaks apart. You've won. You walk over his body, still alive, but unconscious. "I'm sorry, old friend" you say before touching again for the first time in centuries. Darkness. Darkness. Darkness?

Best story